


i'm just a [b]urden, anyway.

by biretto



Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: 2B has depression, 2B overreacts at a lotta things please be nice to her, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cutting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mental Health Issues, No beta I will die, Scratching, Self-Harm, chapter 4 is fuckin HEAVY babey, will add tags as i update this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:16:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biretto/pseuds/biretto
Summary: Relapsing takes a toll on 2B.(will be like 2-4 chapters long.)
Relationships: 2B & A2 (NieR: Automata), 2B/9S (NieR: Automata), 9S & A2 (NieR: Automata)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 2B has trouble with self-harm. i'm projecting. take care of yourself when reading and click away if you have to since i go a little in-depth for the cutting (at least for me). i'm really just putting this out for 1) me 2) myself and 3) that wonderful catharsis. also not beta'd bc this is pretty personal lolol.
> 
> will update with new chapters when i can.

A2 knocked on 2B’s door. “Bee, you alright in there?”

2B sighed. “Yeah,” she responded.

“Dinner should be ready in around twenty minutes. It’s mashed potatoes,” said A2. “I’ll call you again when it’s good.”

A2 wouldn’t see it, but 2B nodded with a grunt of confirmation. “Sure.”

Her migraine was getting worse as time passed.

2B stared at the worksheet on her table. Her workload was insane. If she could, she’d love to drop out and just live with A2 in this apartment she owned forever if it meant she didn’t have to think about her college studies ever again.

It was fortunate that A2 had a spare room 2B could use as a study room. 2B knew well that she needed emotional support while in college. She didn’t want a roommate nor did she want to be alone with her intrusive thoughts. But even with A2 around, she was _stressed._ She’d never had difficulty in school when she was a teenager, but this…

She put her hands in her hair and sighed. So _what_ if she was gifted when she was young? So _what_ if she was special before? Maybe she was a bright girl back then, but now she’s just a below-average college student with her grades plummeting near the point of failure. 

Her parents weren’t the mean kind, either; they were nice (except to A2 who decided to drop out early) and told 2B that they were proud of her. They pampered her and gave her everything she wanted as a child - she loved them dearly and knew she was spoiled.

She couldn’t tell them about how she was doing right now, though. She was struggling to understand the lessons. She didn’t have close friends she could ask about the homework due tomorrow morning.

“God, I’m pathetic,” she told herself.

She wanted to cry over it, but school was insignificant to all the other problems in the world. There were people out there with nothing to eat and wars elsewhere in the world, and she was getting upset over _a chemistry problem._

Tears formed at the corners of her eyes but it only led her to feel more and more useless by the second.

It was as if her hand had a mind of its own as it opened the drawer under her desk and took a pair of scissors she kept there. It had been a long time since she’s done this, and her self harm scars from when she was a teen had faded almost to a point where they were unnoticeable. But 2B wanted to feel something. She wanted to punish herself for feeling so worthless.

The blades looked slightly dull and the screw holding the scissors together was loose, so 2B took it out and hovered one blade on the inside of her left forearm, her palms cold and sweaty as she grazed it along her pale skin.

She was a quiet kid, the one that all the adults liked because she was never fussy. What these adults didn’t notice was that she had so much trouble making friends. She had acquaintances that kept her company at school, but when it came to social outings or going to the mall or any of that kind of thing - she didn’t experience much of it. 2B knew she was socially stunted when she saw all of her “friends” find new friends that were more emotionally available than her.

And having no friends hurt. It hurt _a lot._ It hurt more than the burning sensation of the blade meeting her skin, sinking in and making her wince. She took a deep breath as she made a second cut, still hurting like the first one.

Besides A2 and 9S, 2B didn’t have friends she could consider _close_ , and that’s what she felt made her fucking useless. Making small talk and sitting with others for lunch was the best she could do, but contacting people after hours wasn’t her forte, causing her to drift further away from people. She had no one to talk to besides A2 and 9S, no one to go out with besides them, no one to help her with her school work besides them. She wanted to ask 9S how to solve the problems on her worksheet but she’s asked him almost every night about it and wanted to try doing it by herself, but it was difficult.

She knew they cared for her, but she felt like a deadweight clamping onto their heels.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’m worthless,_ she thinks to herself. _No one’s going to care about me anyways._

She was rich. She had everything she wanted. She went to a good college. All of the opportunities were laid out for her. But she didn’t know why she was like this, why she had so much damn trouble making friends and being happy. 

Her harmful thinking led up to this. A relapse after god knows how many years. She almost felt angry at herself for ruining herself again, but opening up about her emotions to anyone was impossible. Cutting herself, prying her skin open, seemed to be the better alternative.

“I’m not needed by basically anyone,” she muttered to herself, “Even A2 and 9S… All I’ve done is be a burden to them.”

She kept digging the edge in, deep enough to cause pain but not enough to cause something life threatening. Dying a painful death wasn’t her style; if she wanted to die she’d want it quick and painless. What 2B craved in the moment was to feel something other than contempt for her very existence.

By the tenth time her skin met the bloodied shear, it almost felt like nothing - it felt _good,_ even. The rush of adrenaline was an antidote to her terrible thoughts. She felt better as her migraine ebbed and flowed away and her breathing stabilized. She didn’t need to cry anymore; her cuts were doing that for her despite their shallow depth, dots of blood seeping out of her wounds.

The relief she had outweighed the consequences in that moment. For once in her college life, she felt in control of her own body and mind.

Her brief second of solace would be interrupted as A2 knocked on her door again.

“Bee, dinner’s ready!” A2 called out.

“I’m coming,” she replied.

Wiping her tears away and putting the blades back in her drawer, 2B stared at the red streaks on her forearm, wondering how she would hide them. There wasn’t a way to find bandages or dressings in time, so she stood and looked into her closet. She took out a black, long-sleeved t-shirt and changed her outfit.

Before heading out of her room, her phone buzzed. It was a message from 9S, affectionately called “Nines” in her contacts.

[Nines: 2b do you need help on the homework?? :0 it looks hard!!]

[2B: Are you willing to help me?]

[Nines: yeah!!! that’s what friends are for, right? i’ll message you later!! :3c]

[2B: Thanks, 9S.]

It was going to be a long night, but at least she had some stress relief.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more descriptions of self-harm, take care of yourselves babes. also 9S is very nice please look at him he's a kind soul. god i wish i had a 9S in my life

[Nines: i’m at your front door!!]

[2B: ?]

[Nines: sorry i didn’t tell you earlier, but i want to work with you on this thing]

[Nines: like, in your room :0]

A2 huffed as she opened the door. “What the  _ hell _ are you here for this late?”

9S pulled out a paper from the stack he was cradling in his arms. “I’m here to help 2B with the assignments. What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s ten in the fucking evening.”

Mockingly tilting his head, 9S replies in a tone that he knows annoys A2 to no end. “And…?”

“Ugh. Whatever. If you’ll stay the night just sleep on the couch.” 2B’s sister was only kind and gentle with her, overprotective to a fault; the tone shift was almost dissonant when she called her. “Bee, 9S’s here. Said he’s going to help you out with the assignments or whatever.”

Back at her desk, 2B was antsy in her seat. She wasn’t exactly prepared to talk with someone so soon after chipping at her arms. Her current outfit was fortunately dark, and fit her tightly enough to keep the sleeves from rolling up. The cuts still stinged as 9S poked his head into her room.

“Bee!” 9S said with a smile. “Listen, I wasn’t really supposed to go here this late, but I figured the problems were too difficult to talk about over a video call, so…”

“It’s fine,” she nodded.

9S makes himself welcome in her room and 2B can’t help but be wide-eyed at the large mass of papers he had in his hands; it looked like he found it difficult, too. He was wearing a plain white shirt, the rest of his attire a dusky black; his shorts had white stripes on them. He wore a sleek wristwatch on his left wrist, and he’s never forgotten to sport his trademark choker.

_ Well if he can’t solve it, I probably can’t, _ she told herself.

Almost like he’s read her mind, he dumped the pile of papers onto her bed and sat snugly on its side, legs crossed. “It looks hard, yeah, but I think working together is going to be better, don’t you think?”

2B shrugged. “Probably.” She joined 9S on the bed, sitting next to him.

“Okay then! So…”

9S pulled out his notes and printed handouts from the paper pile. As scatterbrained as he seemed to be during class, his notes were meticulous and lengthy, highlights here and there along with neatly drawn hexagons, arrows, and symbols she could barely understand. She was rather lost in her thoughts as he started explaining.”

“...I asked some of my friends and roommates what they thought…”

_ Friends. Whatever. _ Focusing on trivial things will just make her mood plummet further, she thought. 

“...And based on what the professor said,  _ this _ thing repels  _ that _ thing in this type of solution…”

Drowning in her studies and putting all her energy into it should push bad ideas away.

“...So, I think this molecule will move like this. Mind if you hand me a pencil?”

When she didn’t respond, 9S snickered softly to himself and nudged her softly with his shoulder. “Hey, Bee, I think you’re getting sleepy. Can you hand me a pencil?” he repeats. “Come on, we got an all-nighter to do!”

“Yeah, yeah, we do.” She reached over to her desk to take a pencil and put it in his hand.

“Thanks.” 9S drew a line from one hexagon to the other. “I hope it’s okay that I came here. I sort of wanted a change in scenery and to get some peace and quiet for a night.”

Even if 2B had wanted to be by herself, part of her was glad 9S came around that night; he always had a bubbly and peppy personality that radiated to anyone he’d talk to, including her. He was curious and very analytical since she knew him from middle school, picking up random leaves on the ground and reading through the entire science section at their school’s library. 2B was bright, but 9S was constantly hungry for knowledge, and 2B stifled a laugh as she mouthed a “Thank you” back to him.

9S tilted his head. “Wait, I’m thanking you,” he blinked. “What are you laughing about?”

“I just remembered when you ate a bug for science,” she finally giggled out. Thanks for coming and reminding me about that.”

“Bleh. That beetle tasted horrible. Not sure how you remembered that,” 9S said as he looked back at the papers in front of them. “But I’m glad I brought up a happy memory. Let’s start and get this over with!”

* * *

By two in the morning, they were done. Both their papers were answered and ready to get turned in by their first class.

“That was actually pretty easy,” said 2B. She didn’t verbalize how dumb she felt over getting so worked up over something that was actually doable.  _ I really need to stop overreacting over these things… _

“It was,” 9S quietly exclaimed. The paper pile was cleaned up and neatly put at the side of the bed, and he got off to go to the couch. “I’ll be here now. Night, Bee.”

“Night.” With her reply, 9S switched the lights off. With 9S sort of gone from her immediate vicinity, she exhaled deeply and sunk into her bed. Being tired didn’t fend off the upsetting thoughts in her head.

_ I overreact. I also don’t show anyone how I feel at all. What kinda… _

Anger welled up inside her chest. If she pitied herself earlier, she forgot about all of that. 2B rolled up her left sleeve, exposing her wounds. Too exhausted to get up, she dug her nails into her arm and scratched from her wrist down,  _ hard. _ She threw her head back and hissed from the throbbing sensation. Whatever small amount of scabs that formed were torn off, making them bleed again

_ It’s too much,  _ she admitted. Causing a medical emergency at such a dead hour would be “get-put-into-a-psych-ward” at worst and awkward at best, so she switched to doing the same on the inside of her right arm instead.

The lights were off, so 2B could only imagine how red her skin looked after minutes of continuous clawing. She couldn’t see if she had broken her skin

“I’m just… Angry at myself,” she muttered while continuing her repetitive movements. “Angry at why I act like this. Angry at … everything about me.”

Once she noticed tender spots and droplets of what was probably blood on her fingers, she stopped. It was good enough. She had punished herself for having emotions again, and that was fine with her.

If she was honest with herself, she didn’t really know what she was feeling at the time. She was angry, sad, and…  _ and what else… _ Disappointed? Ashamed? Not good enough?

“I never know how I feel besides not feeling happy.”

She’d get lulled to sleep by exhaustion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2B has problems im sorry honey


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2b is depressed and overreacts scenario #165432
> 
> this one's kinda eh in the quality whoopsie, i just wanted it done. gonna have fun with the next chapter, so stay tuned for that!

Every day after was still heavy - not as heavy as _that_ one, but she felt her strength get lower and lower as time progressed.

The time between 2B’s first relapse and winter break was… _Turbulent,_ as she’d put it _._ There were bouts of self harm, the bulk of it taking place during midterms. Remembering the time when she pushed the blade in so hard she yelped was bone chilling, to say the least.

But she didn’t stop there; when she ran out of space on her forearms, she started cutting on her thighs. She even started reaching her hips by finals.

2B knew it was a bad habit, but...

Come winter break; with flights back home fully booked, 2B and A2 were stuck at their apartment. 9S didn’t contact his family much (and never really liked them anyways; he told 2B about his plans to fully cut them off when he graduated), so when the heater in his unit broke, he took it as an opportunity to _really_ stay at 2B and A2’s place.

2B opened the door to see 9S with one bag full of his belongings, and A2 shouted at him while she fixed something in the kitchen.

“Listen, if you’re gonna stay here little guy-”

“Don’t rub my height into my face,” 9S groaned.

“You better help out around here. Share a room with 2B or not, I don’t care.”

His face warmed at the initial thoughts he had. “I’ll...Sleep on the couch.” 9S didn’t want to intrude on 2B’s personal space, so he took to just sleeping on the couch as he always did when he visited the apartment.

“While you’re here, help me take out the trash and clean up,” sneered A2 as she carried a pile of dishes to the sink.

“Yeah, yeah,” 9S mocked. “I’ll do it, _mom_.”

“You little-”

2B groaned. “A2, be nice to him.”

“I _still_ remember when you stole my drink and called me a _bitch_ , bastard!” was what she could shout, followed by the telltale sound of something porcelain shaking and shattering on the ground. “God DAMN IT-”

“Don’t mind her,” 2B breathed out, exhausted. “I think she drank some wine earlier…”

“She _still_ isn’t over the Pepsi incident?”

2B shrugged. “Dunno. But make yourself at home.”

* * *

The trio decided that maybe sending gifts to the folks back home would make up for not getting to visit, so 2B and 9S planned for some last-minute Christmas shopping; A2 didn’t want to go for whatever reason. The local mall was jam packed with people doing the same as them, but they managed to buy some trivial trinkets and novelties to gift soon.

9S showed a bag of shirts he bought. “Retail therapy is _great_ , isn’t it?”

“It is.”

 _Retail therapy… Therapy, therapy, therapy._ Cutting was all that was on 2B’s mind. It was her safe space, her therapy, something that felt _good_.

If something felt good, she wanted to do it.

“Hey, Two Bee,” 9S said.

“Yeah?”

“You know, I’ve been thinking of a shirt I want to buy for your birthday soon,” he mused. “I know I always surprise you with my own ideas of what to buy, but this year I want you to pick what you want.”

She managed a faint smile. “That’s nice of you.” She felt unwanted enough that she didn’t really want the gift, though. She didn’t deserve 9S’s kindness.

The scars were deep and noticeable. The last time she dressed her wounds, she felt how the scar tissue on the older ones were raised and saw how dark they looked, akin to a tiger’s stripes.

Concerns started to overtake her. She couldn’t wear long-sleeved shirts forever. Her cuts were going to see the light of day eventually. Every day they didn’t was one day closer to their reveal. Nervousness flooded her body.

“...So many thoughts on what to buy you! So I, uh, hope that learning exactly what you want will make you happier.”

“Mmm.”

“Uh, 2B?”

She snapped out of her daze. “Nines?”

9S pouted, but 2B knew that was just his way of showing concern. It wasn’t annoying; she even wanted to pinch his cheeks for how cute he looked. “Are you good, Bee? If there’s anything on your mind, you know I’m always here to listen no matter what.”

“I’m good.”

He got close into her personal space. “Are you _suuure?_ ” he asked in a sing-song tone.

She giggled a little. “Yeah, I’m good,” she sighed, patting him away gently. “I guess the weather has made me feel down in the dumps,” said 2B as she pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

He wondered if what he saw was just a trick of the eye. “I think we all are. When we get back to A2’s place, do you want to just chill on the couch?”

“Sounds good to me.”

* * *

2B could only describe the shopping day as disastrous after that. 9S sat down on the couch with a fresh set of clothes, warm from a dryer. “Bee, you don’t have to apologize to me that much,” he consoled. They were drinking coffee when 2B spilled it on his shirt.

“But I embarrassed you…” she trailed off.

“You didn’t embarrass me, okay?”

Even if 9S said that, anxiety flooded her brain. People looked at them funny, 9S was probably burnt from the coffee, she ruined one of his shirts… Immense guilt was the only thing in mind, and she couldn’t get over it no matter how hard she tried.

He nudged her with his elbow. “Lighten up a bit, can you?” it wasn’t his intention, but 2B’s chest tightened at his response. It seemed like he was getting fed up with her. He noticed, though, and his expression softened.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he sighed. “Sorry if you took it that way.”

“It’s fine.”

“Bee?”

“Yeah?”

He put an arm over her shoulder. “You can tell me anything, you know. If you need to talk about something, I’m willing to support you, yeah?”

“Yeah.” _I slice myself open everyday? Yeah, right,_ she mentally scoffed, like she’d tell anyone about that.

She’d pity herself if she wasn’t pissed off about her reactions to everything.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> id like to call this one "how many synonyms of 'cuts,' 'red,' and 'blood' can i use without getting too redundant  
> alt title: basically 2.5k+ words of 2b crying while 9s gently coaxes her
> 
>  **the self harm warning applies to basically the whole chapter** so!!! yeah!!! take care of yourself. please remember that i love you, if this seemed to hit a bit close to home or whatnot pls know that there are people out there who love you

She didn’t care for the movie that they were watching that night, or whatever A2 and 9S were bantering over. All she was focused on was her stupid reactions and stupid thoughts over everything. She tossed and turned in her bed, unable to sleep the emotions off.

_ I just need to satiate the craving. _

She tried to stop herself by making up reasons she shouldn’t do it, but her arms were aching with the familiar urge.

_ 9S might see. A2 might see. I might go to the hospital. _

She tossed and turned in her bed.  _ Who cares if they see. Maybe I should be inside a hospital anyways. _

2B sighed. Defeated by her urges, she stood up and headed for the bathroom.

She shook over the sink, breathing heavily as she dug blades under her skin once more. The feeling in her arm was both numb and scathing at the same time, her nerves dulled with her cutting herself open time after time. Watching her blood flow and drip into the sink was therapeutic, for lack of a better word.

_ Therapy. _ The word stayed and stuck in her mind. Not the meaning she gave it - the real meaning of the word. She probably needed it. She needed it bad, what with her self-mutilation habits progressively becoming destructive and frequent. College was coming back in what, two weeks? It was still far off, but with its inching closer and closer, she felt her emotions clutching her tighter and tighter.

_ Therapy, _ she repeated again. It’s something you do to keep yourself grounded and happy. Something that you do with  _ someone _ , an event where you talk out your feelings to someone you didn’t know and cost so damn much. She didn’t want a person she barely knew to poke and prod at her psyche like that. Maybe if she had friends - Hell, maybe if she could tell 9S about this problem she has - 

2B’s reality was coming back to her, and she didn’t want it one bit. Friends, her grades, the new things she’d have to study; she wanted to explode to hell and back.

2B gritted her teeth. “God  _ damn it, _ ” she growled, how has she been so soft on herself with cutting lately? She wanted more. She wanted it to hurt, not be the numbing kind of hurt - cutting should be  _ painful,  _ unbearingly so. 2B thrust the blade into her skin again, letting out a sob as she hunched over the sink. Tears were forming in her eyes.  _ That’s more like it. _

The large gash spilled a steady stream of blood and she started to get light headed, but she couldn’t stop. She didn’t want to stop even if her arm was on fire. It was a craving, an addiction that was risky like smoking and alcohol and drugs -  _ At least I don’t do any of that _ \- and ruined the smoothness of her skin, but she kept going.

Deep, deep, deeper.

Everything did come to an end whether she liked it or not, though.

Whatever god or malevolent being was out there, 9S woke up in the middle of the night. A2’s couch was pretty old; one seat was more depressed than the others and made 9S’s back hurt. He was going to drift off to sleep again until he noticed the bathroom door, ever so slightly open, the lights on and someone looking like they were crying.

He quietly stood up and walked over, careful not to make a sound. Maybe it was A2 crying over a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend. Sharing some gossip with 2B would be funny. Or maybe she drank some alcohol and had a terrible hangover.

Quiet as a mouse, he peeped ever so slightly inside, and his heart dropped.

2B was heaving, the bloody half of a shear in one hand and the other gripping the faucet, but the grisly-looking lines on her arm…

_ Oh. _

It made sense now. 2B’s recent behaviors all made fucking sense now. The way she kept wearing her long sleeves, how reluctant she was to have her arms held...

He opened the door and 2B’s head quickly turned to him like a deer in the headlights.

_ Shit. _

The secret was ruined; hiding was out of the question now.

She stuttered out what she could. “It’s not-” It was plain as day; 9S stared at her in shock, the glaring evidence she was cutting laid out to him. “It’s n-not what you think-”

9S’s voice shook as he spoke. “B-Bee?”

“It’s not what you think it is,” 2B took a step back as 9S stepped forward, “Go away, please Nines  _ go away. _ ”

“Look at me,” said 9S.

When saw how 9S looked at her, she realized she’d never seen him this distraught and scared before. He looked pale.

She upset him, and it was her fault, and that was what drove her over the edge.

She sank to the ground and  _ wailed _ , sniffling and bawling as 9S followed her down to the floor. There was a rustling and the sound of water. She couldn’t tell what was happening with how badly her head throbbed and how dizzy she was from the blood loss, but 9S spoke to her with such gentleness in his voice.

He took the shear in her hand and put it on the bathroom floor and patted her back. “Can you give me your arm, Bee?”

She kept sniffling and couldn’t respond.

Then there was the sound of footsteps, and A2 burst into the bathroom.

“2B- What the hell happened?!”

9S looked at her. “A2, I know it looks bad but can you get me some bandages-”

“No- Wait- What is  _ happening _ to my sister?”

_ Oh god, both Nines and my sister know about this now,  _ thought 2B. “Can- Can you just… Leave me and Nines here for now?” she managed to blurt out between sobs.

“Let me do this for now, A2.”

“But I’m her -” She sighed. A2’s brow furrowed and she reluctantly nodded. “I’ll get the antiseptic and bandages.”

As A2 opened the bathroom’s medicine cabinet, 9S turned back to 2B. “I’ll clean up your arm.” 2B stretched her arm out and 9S was able to see the damage. Old and new wounds were piled up on each other, lines criss-crossing and curving around each other like a grotesque rainbow. The numerous thin lines of red and light brown only served to frame four large, open cuts that were actively bleeding bright red.

“Did you cut deep?” 9S asked, his voice only higher than a whisper.

“Just deeper than my usual,” she breathed out.

He made a sound of approval.

9S hid it well, but he was scared. Not of the wounds, but for 2B. What was on her mind that drove her to do this…? He examined the large ones closely. It didn’t seem like she cut deep enough to reach the fatty layer, and the wound wasn’t  _ gaping _ , which was fortunate in this situation. The blood  _ did _ look like it was starting to coagulate, though, a good sign that the flow of blood would start to wane.

His face scrunched up a tiny bit, and while he didn’t voice how it sent shivers down his spine just how  _ torn up _ her arms were, he reassured her she’d be alright.

“It looks deep, but it doesn’t seem to be an emergency. Just let me wipe it, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Then I’ll clean it and wrap it up.”

9S held and squeezed her arm softly but securely with sterile pads to stop her bleeding entirely. Minutes felt like hours. 2B spent those minutes with her head down, too overwhelmed to say anything else. 9S and A2 must’ve felt the same way; they didn’t talk with one another save for 9S asking A2 for more supplies. It furthered her anxiety; were they mad at her for waking them up at such an hour? Did they think she was bothering them?

She tried to hide it. She knew she did. But now not one, but the two people closest to her knew her bloody necessity, her therapy, her stupid coping mechanism that wasn’t even a  _ good _ coping mechanism. So much for that.

She couldn’t look up, but registered 9S putting something cold on her cuts, which gave a tingling sensation.  _ Antiseptic, _ she thought. Then cloth wrapped around and covered her arm, a soft sheet of cotton tightly but snugly pressed against her wounds.

It was unexpected, though, to feel 9S’s warm hand lightly cup her cheek and his forehead on hers. It gave way to him putting his other arm around her, and with him embracing her like that… She felt safe. She sensed how much he cared for her, his familiar heat making her feel at ease, at home for the first time in months. She threw her arms over his shoulders, desperately trying to pull him closer to her. 2B thought she was done crying, but when she felt A2’s warm body against her back, she could only cry harder.

9S was a patient man. A2 was a patient woman as well, but it seemed like 2B was latched onto him for ages while he tenderly spoke and asked her questions.

“Do you feel okay now?” he asked.

“I think I’m a little bit better.”

She felt him nod. “Do you… Do you want to tell us what’s wrong?”

2B sniffled. “It’s… A lot.”

“You can tell me,” he replied. “Hey, A2, you’re listening too, right?”

“Of course I am.” She sighed. “Bee… You know that you can tell me anything, don’t you? We’re sisters. I won’t judge you.”

2B’s shoulders started to shake again. “I...Well… It’s just…”

“Go on,” 9S coaxed.

“College is coming up again and it’s stressing me out and-” 9S reached for more tissues and gave it to 2B. “-And it’s just so  _ hard _ . And then I feel guilty about it because I literally talk to almost  _ no one _ except you two, I spend almost all of my time doing my studies and my work and no matter what I do, even if I give it my all, I still get the worst grades of my life.”

2B continued on and stumbled over her words. “It just - I - I feel ashamed to say I’m  _ jealous _ of people with friends, because you guys  _ are _ my friends but like, everyone’s out there enjoying their college lives, getting drunk or going out while I lock myself in my room and you two occasionally just knock or get inside there to talk to me while I do  _ nothing _ to reciprocate your care for me back to you guys.”

9S and A2 stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. 9S broke from their embrace to look at 2B.

“And like - I appreciate you guys so much but I’m just becoming a burden to you two, anyways. I really started doing… _ this, _ ” 2B glanced at her bandaged arm, seeing how neatly wrapped it was and even saw a small bow where 9S tied the ends together, “Because I was mad at myself for being such a freeloader. But then I just didn’t want to be alive anymore because it was getting harder for me.”

A2 moved her arms to wrap them around 2B’s abdomen as she rested her face in the crook of her neck. “Why didn’t you tell us any of this?”

“I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“That you’d be mad at me.” She was on the verge of crying again.

9S glanced down to her arm, holding it in his hands while lightly running his thumbs over the bandage. “2B, when we saw you, did we look mad?”

“...Maybe.”

He offered her a sad smile. “The only thing on my mind was my concern for you. A2 was concerned, too; I think she thought I did something to you, though.” A2 gave him an irritated glance. “Not that I blame her, though. Your sister is overprotective of you.”

He squeezed her arm ever so gently, almost as if he was holding her hand. “I care about you, 2B. I care about you  _ so much _ . I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend.”

“I’m sorry,” she whined, “I’m sorry I made you worry about me.”

“It’s okay. We’re not going to leave you until you feel better. Okay?”

She couldn’t deny that she needed them with her, but she didn’t realize how touch starved she was. 9S brought her into his arms again, and the three of them stayed there for a while, the world outside unimportant to them in that moment.

She probably fell asleep in their arms, as 2B found herself in her bed, tucked in likely by A2. It was snowing heavily outside, the sky bleak and gray, but it was likely almost noon, she thought. 

The blanket was comfortable, but needed more to huddle in. She grabbed a part of it to bury herself in further, but there was a heavy object next to her that was under her covers, too.

She sat up and leaned over the person’s shoulders to see it was 9S, sleeping right next to her. Funnily enough, he had taken most of her blanket and wrapped himself into a cocoon.

“Hey, Nines…”

9S yawned and groggily opened his eyes, feeling his heart skip a beat when the first thing he saw in his vision was 2B’s face above his.

“Beeeee,” he groaned out, “your sister wanted me to watch over you. I guess I got tired and fell asleep, hahah…”

“How long are you gonna be staying here?”

“As long as you need me.”

2B raised a brow. She went on to start getting 9S out from his makeshift wrapper.

“Yeah, the heater in my unit is broken, but I think…How do I say this…” 9S pondered for a second. “I think you need some more company.”

“You mean…”

“Here’s the thing; I think I should live with you guys for now. I discussed it with A2. She’s surprisingly easy to talk to when she’s not grumpy,” he snickered, turning his body over so he lied on his back so he could look at her better. “Honestly, it’d be a win for both of us. My roommates are the loud kind and it’s pretty hard to concentrate with them… I promised A2 I’d help out here, too, so she’s cool with me staying here.”

2B tilted her head. 9S was willing to give up a college dorm unit to stay with her? “Are you sure about that? How about your friends…?” She didn’t want 9S’s social life to get impaired by hers.

“It’s a win-win situation. I get to have peace and quiet, and  _ you _ get to have me with you.” 9S threw an arm around 2B and pulled her down to lie again.

“You know, Bee, I have a few friends I should’ve introduced to you earlier,” he quipped. “I think you’d like to meet them. They share your interests and are even in a similar college course as us.”

Her curiosity was piqued. “Who?”

“Adam and Eve. They’re twins with silver hair,” 9S replied. “One of them’s a big science nerd while the other one is a super peppy dude. Maybe you’ve seen them.”

“I don’t think I have.”

9S pulled 2B close to him so he was holding her close again.“Hm, yeah. It sucks that we didn’t have an identical schedule during the first semester, Bee. I didn’t get to sit with you during lunch.” He rubbed circles on the small of her back to help soothe her.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m a little lonely,” 2B admitted.

There was a moment of silence between them.

“Do you want me to request that we have the same schedule next semester?”

2B internally groaned at the inconvenience that would cause him, but she knew damn well that she needed his company.

“Don’t you need special letters or permissions or whatever to do that…?”

“Hey, I’m willing to do anything to make sure you’re happy. And it means we can be together more.”

She smiled. “I’m glad you’re here for me, Nines.” She rested her head in between his neck and shoulder.

“Mhm. Oh, wait, how’s your arm?” 9S asked, concern obvious in his voice.

“I think it’s fine,” 2B muttered. She didn’t even notice it was there until he mentioned it, but now that she was aware of it again, it itched a tiny smidge. “It’s itchy, though.”

“I’ll give it a new dressing in the evening. We’ll change it once a day.”

She didn’t expect to see 9S be so knowledgeable in first-aid and so quick to act. He was like a professional, choosing to treat a patient as cleanly as possible, quickly yet meticulously tending to and closing her cuts, little to no questions asked.

What emotion was she feeling, now? It wasn’t really clear to her, but she knew she was  _ thankful _ for 9S being at her side. He was an angel, a caring being that protected her from her dark decisions. The tender way he looked at her was caring and full of affection - she was sure of  _ that. _ It was the first time in months that she’d felt a positive version of relief, the first time in months she’d felt  _ glad _ , happy, all of those flowery words that one would use to describe a warm, sunny day.

She was curious, though: “Wait, where’d you learn how to do this?”

“Oh, like wrapping your arm?”

“Yeah and - No, wait. We learned about first aid in health class during senior year. I meant the way you acted while fixing me up. We haven’t learned that in class yet, have we?”

He started to yawn, still drowsy from last night’s events. “I went to a college seminar. I even texted you the date and time of that, but you didn’t come.”

“Oh.”

He laughed softly. “It’s okay if you don’t remember.” He started drifting back to sleep, his voice getting groggier. “I think... I was the only one taking notes that day, anyways… No one was listening but me.”

“Sleepyhead.” 2B moved her body so her chest was flush with his, not wanting to let go of him.

…

“Hey, 9S?”

“Mm?”

“Thank you for being there for me.” He couldn’t see it, but 2B was beaming, never having felt so comfortable and safe in her life.

9S hummed a deep sound of approval, and this time, 2B felt it in her chest. “I’ll always be here for you. You can tell me anything. Just like when we were kids, when we were in high school… Just because we’re older doesn’t mean that-” he yawned again - “that you need to bottle up your feelings.”

“Go to  _ sleeeeep _ .” 2B squeezed him tighter.

They held each other for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND I THINK THIS IS A WRAP FOR THE MEANTIME!!! i didn't really plan to make this at first? i had plans for something more canon-compliant that i MIGHT work on if i wanted to pick it up again... but like. hey! cool! i've written something pretty long for the first time since 9 years ago, i think that's pretty neat
> 
> there's some loose ends i wasn't able to tie back together and a2's kinda just shoved in there but that's fine i wrote this for myself first and foremost and this is basically "i'm coping: the fic" scribbled all over it so. yeah!
> 
> this isn't beta'd and i never really wanted it too since it's my first multichapter fic and i didn't give too much care into the quality but i'm giving special thanks to [kiloueka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiloueka) for giving the idea of the pepsi incident a2 mentions, god bless them. maybe i should write about the pepsi incident, as little a treat
> 
> i think that's enough from me, thanks for reading!


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